fault

minha mente anda em círculos em torno de lugares perigosos a serem revisitados. eu passo o dia todo me forçando a não montar cenas, traçar conclusões. tento não ensaiar palavras. todo o esforço que por horas me parece tão necessário se desfaz em poucos segundos e tudo foge de mim em um furacão. breve e derradeiro. eu devia ter te avisado isso desde o começo, mas algo me impediu. talvez tenha sido minha eterna falta de coragem ou alguma esperança de que dessa vez eu poderia ser diferente - alguém melhor. eu já fiz tudo o que estava ao meu alcance pra ser um pouco menos eu e muito mais você. e o que me espanta é que já desde a primeira vez, eu não precisei me afundar em correntezas profundas pra falar o que você queria ouvir. mas eu não sabia que ia ser assim. e mais uma vez aqui estou eu pagando o preço da tão confortável negação - repassando as últimas semanas repetidamente na minha cabeça. e talvez eu jamais saiba o porquê. 

last night

nenhum lugar me parecia longe demais. as luzes no teto, os olhares que se cruzam, mãos que se atam na saída do fumódromo, e eu contra você. a noite ia do êxtase à perdição no olhar. por não saber o que você quer, eu também me permiti a não saber de nada mais. mas seja lá o que for, onde for, como for - agora de você eu só quero mais. prometo permanecer com os meus olhos fechados e deixar você me levar pra onde você quiser. aprendi a amar as pequenas brechas das portas à noite, e a fazer das janelas entreabertas as minhas melhores amigas. deixo a chuva me encharcar de dúvida. nada é meu. 

adore you

I'll be looking over the rooftop edge while you would rush in to the last floor as soon as you notice I'm in the building. this would happen in the most important day of your life: maybe your first exhibit at the MoMA or your first job as an international art hostess at some fancy hotel in europe. I asure you I will be there waiting for you to show up at some point, but I'm not sure if we will actually get to bump in each other while surrounded by the city lights. maybe it would take you too long to realize I'm around - or maybe I'll freak out and leave, dropping my still lit red marlboro and letting it burn itself to it's very end while I take a cab back home. I wish I could just gaze deeply into your eyes and disappear the second after I did so. that way I could fulfill my deepest desires: to finally find out if you're ok and then not ruining your life afterwards by staying on it. I would be gone and that would be harsh at first, I know that. but I'm sure we would get our minds to settle a few days later, like we always did. besides, you kinda got me tired from all these years - when I used to pour myself all over you constantly and then somehow push you back. it's been so long since the last time we felt natural and things always turned out to be so easy. it's been so long since our love felt like it was pink. maybe it's burgundy-colored now. but I still adore you. from a distance.

turns

is it too soon for me to start taking turns? should I be going through love songs lyrics on my head already? I haven't had enough time to establish myself as me again since you left. I'm still stuck on the perfect curves your lips drew over mine, still stuck on the sound of your laugh, on the way that you smoke your cigarettes. everything you do is so genuine and gentle that I couldn't take my eyes off you for a single second. you got me so high that now I wonder if the things I said made me sound stupid. I'm already having panic attacks when I try to figure out if there was any kind of flaw in the things I talked about or in the way I acted. I'm frightened and I mean that in the best way possible. this is the feeling I love the most in the entire world: the good thrills - those ones that keep you going by scaring you and fulfilling you with happy thoughts at the same time. I'm willing to take this risk, 'cause I'm nowhere near done. and if things don't work out in the way I'm expecting them to, fuck that. I'm grateful either way. I haven't had such a pleasant afternoon as this in years.