royals

todos nós precisávamos disso. as risadas sem sentido no sofá branco, uma panela de arroz que ficou ligada pra sempre, a sala se transformando na nossa própria constelação. naquele momento tudo era nosso e nós não éramos de ninguém. eu amo vocês.

blown away

eu alcancei um patamar onde tudo deixou de fazer sentido. remédios me enojam, todas as possibilidades parecem emboscadas - odeio as pessoas que conversam na esquina do prédio quando a noite cai, odeio as formas que minha vida assumiu e todas as pessoas que eu acabo de conhecer. eu odeio isso.

wow, sorry, Dr. Stock.

due order

sometimes sadness strikes me out of nowhere. I'm used to it. I get up and look ahead, carrying that bittersweet feeling on my lips. everyone knows I'm trying to move forward but that's kind of hard when you're being pushed back and forth towards different situations, different feelings, different needs. I'm getting so used to this never-ending cycle my life has become that nothing surprises me anymore. it feels like the element of surprise has been taken away from me and was replaced by skepticism. everyone that I meet is surrounded by this heavy glow, exhaling sickness all over the place. sometimes it feels like I'm tripping but most of the time I can't help but noticing and being completely absorbed into it's darkness.  I try to run away from it. I try to run away from myself. but I can never succeed.

fucked

there was something about him. something that screwed him over in so many ways. whenever all of us friends got together, I felt like we pushed him aside and made him feel neglected, even if we didn't mean to. maybe it has to do with his education, his circle of friends, his different hometown. it was all so very weird to us. I really couldn't get why outsiders liked him from the moment they met - he was a very loving person, but his flaws didn't make up to his' qualities - and that made me sad. I felt bad for being a witness of such a waste of potential on his side. he was so young, but also so sick and tired of everything. and when I use the word "everything" I really mean it: he wasn't into any kind of physical exercise, organization habits, mathematical thinking, or worries of any kind. he didn't really care about making plans, but he had already stablished his achievements, even though he never moved a finger in order to get them. I guess he thought everything would fall right onto his lap all of the sudden someday or somehow. I didn't really chose to have him in my life, he came as a part of a package that I already had had for many years before. I hated him. but you know me, I hate things in the most loving way I can.

you're no one until you're talked about

aos poucos eu vou aprendendo que a vida é uma sequência de escolhas. a minha arma ainda fumega do último tiro dado, mas não assumo responsabilidade pelas consequências de uma bala que sequer foi eu quem atirei. por mais chocante que isso possa soar, talvez o que me motive realmente sejam sentimentos de ódio que se sucedem e esquentam meu peito, estremecem meus dedos e me fazem transitar do passado ao presente. eu repenso, recomponho, e volto. uma vez lançado, o efeito surpresa devasta tudo o que tem pela minha frente. e eu sempre fui essa arma de consumação em massa esperando o momento certo de ser lançada. rolem os dados e façam suas apostas. o jogo apenas começou.