sleepless

as I was left with absolutely no other choice, I couldn't help falling in love with you. but there are also other places my mind visits from time to time that I cannot avoid going in. I still have some pretty heavy issues from my past that follow me around everywhere I go. there are other looks I cannot run from as there are other expectations and other places I've dreamed about so heavily the past few months. I'm not delusional enough to think those other things will just disappear on the blink of an eye. I just want you to tell me if I'll ever succeed when it comes to progress and wrapping my head around things that are already gone. is the present ever enough, or is it just some kind of distraction? I feel lost in this incredible haze I've put myself in. there's really nowhere to go now.

blackout/light sprawl

the way you acted last week unleashed a haunting that seems to hover me over and over again. my thoughts are filled with the idea that you have stablished some kind of behaviour that comes out of you all of the sudden and I can't fight back: you were so incisive and certain of the way you made up your mind when you called me. althought you had no complaints about me whatsoever, netheir my possible reaction nor the consequences of your act were even a part of your decision making process. we both know that you've made a mistake, but apart from being mistaken, what made you come for me again? can I ever really trust your friends after what happened? can I demand from you exactly the same things you demand from me? and more importantly, can I ever trust you again? and if so, what is it that will make me find strenght in myself to allow me to do so? my head's filled with a thousand questions like those. I wonder how will you ever answer them.

my aspiration in life?

it's funny to watch the way I shift. since you came along, I no longer understand what's happening. one second I am emerging on your sea and then again I'm drowning deep into you a second later. isn't everything supposed to be linear and calm? shouldn't I give the sun another shot at me instead? I want to fall in love with the way it's light kisses my skin as I'm left with absolutely nothing on a saturday afternoon. can I not care for a whole minute for Christ's sake? I'm aware that people overrate peace, but I don't know if I'm ready to shift from a lover to a warrior out of the blue every time you decide things aren't good enough. I'd rather lead things calmly and quiet. I want to hear the sound of the morning breeze as it strokes my hair gently. that's all I'm asking for.