cut!

"each one of us had our own troubles. we'd sit and talk for hours in front of the tv, listening to some new dope shit album - mostly jay-z's - because the beat always fitted perfectly through our moments. I think that, for each one of us, those hours we used to spend together made us feel totally disconnected from the outside world. we weren't really adults, so we felt special for having a whole apartment just for us. there was something in the dirt and the mess we lived in that made us feel like home. it was kind of liberating never having to straight things out around the house, but you'd always trip and break a glass that was lying peacefully on some random part of the wood floor as you woke up at night to take a piss - it took me some time to get used to the idea that going back to sleep was always the right thing to do. guns were always firing up at four a.m. as the guys played call of duty with the tv volume at it's loudest frequency. the neighbors complained at first, but I guess they gave up on us and got used with our messy way of life. we'd rarely cook, but for me, it didn't really matter - I had already created the habit of smoking to make the hunger go away. Gabriel would eat all the food in the house, so I have to confess that sometimes we didn't have much to eat because of his greediness. but we always had cigarettes. I remember that our lives were pretty different at the time: Felipe had just come back from the U.S., while I was starting at this new shitty job. Gabriel was always mesmerized with São Paulo, even though he'd been living here for a while and Gabri was always tired from studying to get into uni - but when we decided to heat things up, he would never let us down. as for me, taking a look-back into our 'apartment days', I have to say I was pretty obnoxious. I was in a terrible mood sometimes, but even if I felt like killing one of them, I had two other ones who would always find a way to make me forget about sad or stressful things.  and of course, I had my share of good moods as well. Felipe, Gabriel and I would never hesitate in having a smoke at the balcony together. even if it was freezing cold, we'd put our jackets on, open the window and light up a cigarette while watching funny videos, or simply taking a look-over the other buildings and it's surroundings and gazing into the dark. I don't really know how to define the four of us back in the day. we were everything and once: dope, childish, poetical, fun. perhaps there are no right words to describe us all at once. we were this exquisite kind of group, four guys so different from each other. no word could sum us up. we were invincible."

venus

estamos dando os passos decisivos. rodopiamos na ponta de plataformas, atravessamos pontes frias, batemos feijão no liquidificador e ouvimos Frank Ocean. e eu não preciso de nada mais.

I could change

existem certos lugares em que minha imaginação insiste em se aproximar. são músicas que tocam em carros enquanto eu acendo um cigarro e deixo tudo pra trás. são manhãs em que ficamos sozinhos em casa e o sol invade o quarto pelas pequenas ranhuras da janela fechada. eu gosto de quando você parte, porque eu sei que você vai voltar. o que me incomoda é estar em tantos lugares ao mesmo tempo, e não conseguir nunca alcançar o chão. existem um milhão de coisas que eu poderia ter feito e não fiz. tudo vira uma questão do que poderia ter sido: você, os lugares, os arrepios que correm pela minha pele poderiam ter vindo de qualquer outro lugar. talvez agora eu já poderia ter tido o suficiente. mas a cada devaneio, o suficiente me parece mais longe de chegar.

troubled terms

maybe someday we could head up to new york, leaving everything behind us. our jobs, our friends, our family: they would all be reduced to sweet memories as we digested the idea of our sudden and unexpected escape, overlooking the ocean. truth is, in the end, none of us became the kind of people we wanted to be. the world, though as it is, made us give up on our dreams before we could even start to live 'em, or even plan them - we were left behind with empty hands, not even knowing what was it that we wanted in the first place. we've started taking ourselves for granted. each one of our fingers were colder than some regular july kind of weather. this city has made us freeze within ourselves, and after all, there was nothing we could have done before that could have changed things. I sure wouldn't have been that polite to everyone in the past if I had known back then that it wouldn't take me anywhere. I'm leaving, you guys. but before I do go, you should all know that I've tried. I'm flying somewhere where I can feel great again. and I wanna feel great tonight. 

trying times

as noites ficam mais quentes quando no acumulamos no sofá, disputando lugares, alternando copos, controles, conversas. eu amo o que somos porque isto é tudo que eu tenho agora. faço um emaranhado de nós e mergulho sem pensar. exalo fumaça exausto na varanda quando a noite cai e adormeço, completamente adormecido. os sinais alternam nos faróis de todas as esquinas conforme o passar das horas, mas eu, de alguma maneira, permaneço intocado. o meu mundo, com vocês, me protege de todo o resto. e conforme a porta se fecha e eu entro, todas as veias do meu corpo relutam ao meu pensar de que nada é para sempre. talvez nada seja mesmo. mas nós, o presente, o que temos agora - já é o suficiente em mim.