now I can see it

I have been crying inside. Crying myself to sleep, sitting on the thought that I'm destined to be alone. Realizing that and finally being in peace with yourself is a complicated journey in which I'm trying to go through. I have to live with my past, even if it feels like an abandoned square, filled with broken scenery and shattered, frustrated stories. Every attempt I ever embarked on was a complete failure, and now I'm done trying. I want to remain safe as life passes by, and to be completely honest, it might be nicer without storms and heavy rain.

I can't stay

for the first time in months I could experience what it feels like to kiss you and feel nothing. somehow I managed to leave you in the past, and now it has all crumbled. I'm sorry for not being honest and telling you how I feel right away, but somethings are better left unsaid, at least for the time being. I want you to know that you're special and you made me feel incredibly young and brave again. but everything must come to an end, and we're not an exception. I don't feel like any of us wasted our time while we were together. But now it has come to my senses that we're so different and.. I wish you well and I need some more time to say goodbye - I'm preparing to tell you the things I think out loud in a proper way. we'll see each other soon.

g

change of coast

I allowed myself to hold your hands for a few seconds as we walked down the avenue towards the train station. Your fingertips were awfully cold and your wrist was partly covered by your dark blue jacket, which helped us disappear onto the night. I could tell you were warm inside when you smiled back at me. We were both happy and excited, because we knew by then that what we have is different. I just want to try keeping that feeling.

that's the way girls are

This night I dreamed you went away.
I saw you stuffing your things into a suitcase, looking deeply into your boyfriend's eyes and grabbing his hand;
I looked out the window and saw you get into a cab with him;
I thought I heard something about Germany when you were walking down the stairs;
But I couldn't be sure - my head was filled with nothing but the awful sound of despair.
The point is:
Now I know for sure that no matter whatever happens to you, I'll never know.
And I miss knowing you.

on being a post-punk rocker

being reckless was always something that came naturally to me. it's kind of a trip when you can't tell what is right from what is wrong - the lines that keep them apart are always blurred, and you end up doing anything that feels reasonable enough to transcend to your actions. it feels good not having to explain yourself to the world and never feeling any sort of regret. in the light of day, it's all just a mind state. all of the other things still exist, but you end up finding a way to establish yourself as a person and not give a fuck about them.

a cry-out

I feel warm around you. You make me feel like I'm a star, embraced by this sparkling heaven full of different galaxies and black holes. Somehow you manage to get everything I say, and I recognize that can be a little hard. I know I get talkative when I'm around you, and maybe the reason I do so is because I always want to make the most of our time. I wanna tell everything that has ever happened to me and look into your eyes while I do so. I'm planting the seeds of what I hope to become "a honest environment", and you know that can be hard to do when emotions are flourishing at a violent speed, like ours are. Maybe someday you'll hold my hand and say you love me back. Until then, I'll just keep on doing things the best way I can.